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The best part about having two kids that are both running fevers and are both puking their guts out is trying to figure out how to get their fevers to break.  You cannot give them oral medication, because it upsets their stomach and they just end up throwing it right back up - so your only other option is to take another route…a backdoor route, if you will.

Nothing makes you look sexier and says “Who wants to party?” like standing in line at the Walgreens holding a box of latex gloves and a package of Feverall Rectal Suppositories.  That’s how you know you truly are a mom, when shit like that does not even make you flinch.  I can remember the first time that I bought some Monistat7, being mortified of having to check out with it, and here I am with all the supplies for a good old fashioned home rectal exam, not even batting an eye.

Then the fun really starts, as you snap on the gloves, and bend your kids over the bed.  You repeat over and over great things like, “relax,” “stop clenching your cheeks,” and “loosen up.”  Then you are faced with another little problem…that area is supposed to be exit only, and because of this little fact it quickly rejects whatever is being shoved in there, so you have to immediately switch from telling them to relax, to shouting “clench it,” and “squeeze your cheeks together.”

Once you finally get it in there, and your kid is now crying, out of complete and total humiliation and NOT out of pain, you start to drift off and think of old memories in your head of when you were cool and popular, hanging at parties or bars and drinking, back when you would not in a million years have imagined yourself sitting on the edge of a bed with latex gloves on next to a child with their cheeks in the air and their pants around their ankles saying “can I stop squeezing my butt cheeks together now mommy?”

Yeah, life is great!

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